Monday, October 17, 2011


I feel kinda lost. I feel like i don't belong sometimes. Like i am so confused in my own life. How can someone feel like there life is not going right. Like there is too many turns, and all the wrong ones.
I want a baby more than anything. I want to go to school. I want everyone to be happy. I want to move into i different house. I want to go on a shopping spree. I want to get out of town, have a vacation. I want to buy my kids the best presents for Christmas. I want and want and want. But do i get any of it. No i don't.
I am starting to realize, that maybe the timing is not right for a baby. That we need to wait a little bit longer for our angel baby to come. As badly as i want that sweet spirit around. I think it needs to wait. We need to get some things straighten out in our lives before our sweet angel comes. It makes me very very sad and depressed. But i know its the best. I know i need to figure some things out in life.
I think i am going to focus mostly on being a wife and mother. To be the best person that i can be. And to try to go to school. Also to be more spiritual. Focus on Jac and I going to the temple. Its our goal, in a year. So life is a bit confusing right now. I am hoping i can get it all figured out. I am just at the moment feeling very lonely and confused and lost. I just want things to go perfectly for once. But that is just a dream i guess. We can't have what we want. At least not all the time. One step at a time. Patience and Faith. I am having faith that everything will work out. Please work out!


I know my period is about ready to show her ugly face. I am way emotional and i am cramping up pretty good. Jac is off on the road. Tomorrow will see each other. Abby and Lucas will be going with there dad soon. Just Taben and I. Jac and i just got into a fight, and i am tearing up inside. I don't understand marriage sometimes. Right now i feel like i am always wrong with everything i say and do. No matter what. I can't do anything right. If i feel like its something right, its not. Because i would be pregnant if i was not wrong about that one. I want to scream and scream. I want to be this good person. I want to know how to communicate and to understand people around me. I want to feel, like everyone around me cares for me. People will say they care and love you, but sometimes how do you really know if those people really do. Sometimes actions speak louder than your words. Ugh....

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Feeling unsure.

I am very feeling indifferent today. Feeling down when waking up this morning. Taking my temp and it still staying low. I have decided that i am not temping any more or taking opk's either its all too draining on me. I am just going to do it all the old fashion way, Patience and Faith. As badly as i want to see my belly grow, and feeling movement inside of me. As badly as i want to hold a little angel in my arms. I am going to do everything i can to distract myself. To stop dwelling on it. I have been reading and its made me feel pretty good. I am going to focus on strenghting my home and family, and myself. I believe i can do this, with all the holidays coming up and tons of baby showers and family and friends having there babies. Focusing on helping my children learn and grow. Supporting my husband more than ever in the decisions he is making with job changes. I am going to trust and believe that my time for a baby will come. Sometimes we don't get what we want. I am accepting that.

Monday, September 26, 2011


Well Today is Cycle Day 1. Can't believe it. I was so hopeful, positive, and confident. Everything seemed right. Then Bam, AF shows. Total surprise. I didn't even have cramps or anything to know she was coming. Ugh.. But i am making it through the day i guess. This morning was pretty hard though. Very emotional morning.

I decided to try to make this hard situation into a lot better one. OCTOBER here we come. will be my month. Were going to get pregnant. Ruby said so, Happy thinks will have a baby Halloween. So lets hope lol. I Have to get over the bump, and sadness of not having a baby yet. On to trying again.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother. Hardest one of all of these is being a mother. This year i have gained a bonus son. I wonderful blessing, but also the hardest. I am still trying to learn and understand him. :) Everyday is different. We only have him every other week. But still it changes each week. One week its good another not so much. I am learning more and more about striving for patience. Building a new relationship and love! This has been a huge challenge in my life but also a blessing. One step at a time. One day at a time. In doing all of this i am learning more about myself then anyone else really. How crazy that is, so true. I will probably write alot about this.


We are trying for a baby! We have not tried to prevent it since we have been married. It so far has not happened yet. But i believe and know it will happen soon. Our little Angel will come! I am trying to be positive and believe lol. Were ready for her or him.
Our little Zoey Lynn or Jayden Levi will come!

Feeling pretty great today!

Monday, September 5, 2011


I am learning how to be a better mom and even a step mom. Its extremely hard being a step mom. I am learning more about being a parent. Trying to new things to help benefit everyone. I think i am going to keep posting more about parenting. My in sites about it, my ideas, my struggles and my strengths.


Hardest thing right now for us. Is time, We never seem to have enough time in the day. Jac work so many long hours with driving truck and trying to work some side jobs. Never is enough time. Only a few hours every other day together. It is one of our hard struggles. I try so hard to have patience with his jobs. But am struggling to be okay with it all. We need the money. So i know its benefiting us. Accepting it all is hard. I am more than grateful for him and how hard he works for us. I couldn't be more blessed with him.


So far this year....
We have built our family. Jac and I were married on April 9,2011. Best day of our lives. Taben just turned 6 and started first grade. Abby just turned 5 and started kindergarten. Lucas just turned 4 and were going to be doing a pre-school group with some ladies in our ward.
Jac is a wonderful dad and Husband. He is always busy working hard for our family. Allowing me to be able to be home with our children. We are very blessed. He is always keeping the peace in our home. We are striving to do our best in each day. Growing more and more. We are trying to make our own magic, by building a wonderful future.
We are trying to be more organized and keeping a schedule some days its works and other not so much. I am sure it will work out soon. Each day is a new day for our family and were just trying for a better future.
We have high expectations for our future and big goals and dreams. We are planning to have more children. Time will only tell with that. It is a struggle for us. But were staying positive and keeping faith.

Summer 2011
Just decided to keep a blog of our families life. Ups and downs. Anything and everything!