Monday, October 17, 2011


I feel kinda lost. I feel like i don't belong sometimes. Like i am so confused in my own life. How can someone feel like there life is not going right. Like there is too many turns, and all the wrong ones.
I want a baby more than anything. I want to go to school. I want everyone to be happy. I want to move into i different house. I want to go on a shopping spree. I want to get out of town, have a vacation. I want to buy my kids the best presents for Christmas. I want and want and want. But do i get any of it. No i don't.
I am starting to realize, that maybe the timing is not right for a baby. That we need to wait a little bit longer for our angel baby to come. As badly as i want that sweet spirit around. I think it needs to wait. We need to get some things straighten out in our lives before our sweet angel comes. It makes me very very sad and depressed. But i know its the best. I know i need to figure some things out in life.
I think i am going to focus mostly on being a wife and mother. To be the best person that i can be. And to try to go to school. Also to be more spiritual. Focus on Jac and I going to the temple. Its our goal, in a year. So life is a bit confusing right now. I am hoping i can get it all figured out. I am just at the moment feeling very lonely and confused and lost. I just want things to go perfectly for once. But that is just a dream i guess. We can't have what we want. At least not all the time. One step at a time. Patience and Faith. I am having faith that everything will work out. Please work out!


I know my period is about ready to show her ugly face. I am way emotional and i am cramping up pretty good. Jac is off on the road. Tomorrow will see each other. Abby and Lucas will be going with there dad soon. Just Taben and I. Jac and i just got into a fight, and i am tearing up inside. I don't understand marriage sometimes. Right now i feel like i am always wrong with everything i say and do. No matter what. I can't do anything right. If i feel like its something right, its not. Because i would be pregnant if i was not wrong about that one. I want to scream and scream. I want to be this good person. I want to know how to communicate and to understand people around me. I want to feel, like everyone around me cares for me. People will say they care and love you, but sometimes how do you really know if those people really do. Sometimes actions speak louder than your words. Ugh....

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Feeling unsure.

I am very feeling indifferent today. Feeling down when waking up this morning. Taking my temp and it still staying low. I have decided that i am not temping any more or taking opk's either its all too draining on me. I am just going to do it all the old fashion way, Patience and Faith. As badly as i want to see my belly grow, and feeling movement inside of me. As badly as i want to hold a little angel in my arms. I am going to do everything i can to distract myself. To stop dwelling on it. I have been reading and its made me feel pretty good. I am going to focus on strenghting my home and family, and myself. I believe i can do this, with all the holidays coming up and tons of baby showers and family and friends having there babies. Focusing on helping my children learn and grow. Supporting my husband more than ever in the decisions he is making with job changes. I am going to trust and believe that my time for a baby will come. Sometimes we don't get what we want. I am accepting that.