A Year Later....

wow. I can't believe its been a year since i have wrote anything on here... Reading my last Blog post i don't think much has changed except another year, oh and we did move. lol. well we are still trying to have our Angel baby. Its becoming more and more difficult as each month passes. I still have a void. I finally went to the dr. though. were getting some help and hopefully will be expecting soon. Yes were still having faith and knowing that when its time it will happen. Just can be a struggle to always remember that. Jac and I've been married for a year and almost 7 months. Its so crazy how much fun we've had together, how happy we are. Don't get me wrong we still have plenty of problems lol. but we do what we can to focus on all the good thins. Were just taking one day at a time and learning about each other as the touch moments come. Were still working towards the temple Were hoping that will happen around the new year. Taben, Abby, and Lucas are getting big. Its amazing to look at their pictures and see the change. They are getting smarter and loving life. Were still learning each other, but will always do that. Last post i said something about focusing on being a mom and wife. I think i have done that, but not to my fullest. I do believe that as a mom and wife your always learning and changing things. But I am fully going to focus on being a mother. My husband has given my the greatest roll i could as for and is making my dreams come true. I am full filling my dream, being a mom and staying home with them is what I've always dreamed about. Now i am going to devote more myself to my family. I am going grow and connect and have passion with them. I am going to have fun. I am going to be there friend, but also there mom. Like i want to be. I am learning so many wonderful tips on Pinterest. My good friend lol. I am taking it all in and changing my attitude towards being a mom. I do think I'm a good mom, and I've always thought of myself as pretty mature but i think that everyone can mature. I don't think it just stops. But i do think i put mine on hold for awhile. Now that i have realized that, i am going to change it and make everything better. Were going to be happier and loving life 100 times more. I am confident i can do this and am going to force myself to do this. This is my Goal and i want to accomplish it.

Lost

I feel kinda lost. I feel like i don't belong sometimes. Like i am so confused in my own life. How can someone feel like there life is not going right. Like there is too many turns, and all the wrong ones.
I want a baby more than anything. I want to go to school. I want everyone to be happy. I want to move into i different house. I want to go on a shopping spree. I want to get out of town, have a vacation. I want to buy my kids the best presents for Christmas. I want and want and want. But do i get any of it. No i don't.
I am starting to realize, that maybe the timing is not right for a baby. That we need to wait a little bit longer for our angel baby to come. As badly as i want that sweet spirit around. I think it needs to wait. We need to get some things straighten out in our lives before our sweet angel comes. It makes me very very sad and depressed. But i know its the best. I know i need to figure some things out in life.
I think i am going to focus mostly on being a wife and mother. To be the best person that i can be. And to try to go to school. Also to be more spiritual. Focus on Jac and I going to the temple. Its our goal, in a year. So life is a bit confusing right now. I am hoping i can get it all figured out. I am just at the moment feeling very lonely and confused and lost. I just want things to go perfectly for once. But that is just a dream i guess. We can't have what we want. At least not all the time. One step at a time. Patience and Faith. I am having faith that everything will work out. Please work out!

:(

I know my period is about ready to show her ugly face. I am way emotional and i am cramping up pretty good. Jac is off on the road. Tomorrow will see each other. Abby and Lucas will be going with there dad soon. Just Taben and I. Jac and i just got into a fight, and i am tearing up inside. I don't understand marriage sometimes. Right now i feel like i am always wrong with everything i say and do. No matter what. I can't do anything right. If i feel like its something right, its not. Because i would be pregnant if i was not wrong about that one. I want to scream and scream. I want to be this good person. I want to know how to communicate and to understand people around me. I want to feel, like everyone around me cares for me. People will say they care and love you, but sometimes how do you really know if those people really do. Sometimes actions speak louder than your words. Ugh....

Feeling unsure.

I am very feeling indifferent today. Feeling down when waking up this morning. Taking my temp and it still staying low. I have decided that i am not temping any more or taking opk's either its all too draining on me. I am just going to do it all the old fashion way, Patience and Faith. As badly as i want to see my belly grow, and feeling movement inside of me. As badly as i want to hold a little angel in my arms. I am going to do everything i can to distract myself. To stop dwelling on it. I have been reading and its made me feel pretty good. I am going to focus on strenghting my home and family, and myself. I believe i can do this, with all the holidays coming up and tons of baby showers and family and friends having there babies. Focusing on helping my children learn and grow. Supporting my husband more than ever in the decisions he is making with job changes. I am going to trust and believe that my time for a baby will come. Sometimes we don't get what we want. I am accepting that.

Ugh...

Well Today is Cycle Day 1. Can't believe it. I was so hopeful, positive, and confident. Everything seemed right. Then Bam, AF shows. Total surprise. I didn't even have cramps or anything to know she was coming. Ugh.. But i am making it through the day i guess. This morning was pretty hard though. Very emotional morning.

I decided to try to make this hard situation into a lot better one. OCTOBER here we come. will be my month. Were going to get pregnant. Ruby said so, Happy thinks will have a baby Halloween. So lets hope lol. I Have to get over the bump, and sadness of not having a baby yet. On to trying again.

~Love~

I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother. Hardest one of all of these is being a mother. This year i have gained a bonus son. I wonderful blessing, but also the hardest. I am still trying to learn and understand him. :) Everyday is different. We only have him every other week. But still it changes each week. One week its good another not so much. I am learning more and more about striving for patience. Building a new relationship and love! This has been a huge challenge in my life but also a blessing. One step at a time. One day at a time. In doing all of this i am learning more about myself then anyone else really. How crazy that is, so true. I will probably write alot about this.

TTC

We are trying for a baby! We have not tried to prevent it since we have been married. It so far has not happened yet. But i believe and know it will happen soon. Our little Angel will come! I am trying to be positive and believe lol. Were ready for her or him.
Our little Zoey Lynn or Jayden Levi will come!

Feeling pretty great today!